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it feels good to hurt

amazing family, plethora of great friends, a welcoming home, a beautiful california life, a loving husband, and a precious baby boy. my life is so perfect. except for this one thing.

when i really evaluate my life, it’s quite minute. and essentially a problem that shouldn’t matter as much as it does. but that’s the thing. it does matter to me. It matters a lot and it makes me very unhappy.

but sometimes i wonder, should it really make me this unhappy? i’ve got everything else going for me… does this one thing really need to be there to complete my happiness?

this has me thinking about humans in general. or maybe it’s just women. can women ever be content?

To be content does not necessarily imply “happiness” or “satisfaction” – it means that you are at peace with the circumstances. 

To be content, as far as I’m concerned, is to be able to be happy in the life you’re living; to have the ability to be grateful for what you have and enjoy life.

i feel us women have this innate response to a good life, we enjoy it until we get to a point of self destruction. we bring upon our own misery because we try to find a reason to cry.

which brings me to my next point. have you men ever wondered why women get so angry or sad or jealous for no goddamn reason? has it ever occurred to you that we feel those emotions because in a way it actually feels good? that’s right, you heard me. it feels good to hurt. it exhilarating to feel strongly and passionately in a negative manner (as well as positive) and it’s extremely satisfying to cry, scream, or even punch it out.

it reminds me of the idea behind the movie monsters inc. the monsters would collect energy from scare screams but realized they receive ten times more energy from making the kids laugh. interesting concept which can be implied here except the opposite way. we know happiness feels good but sometimes it feels good to just hurt.


He did it again

My husband has recently become very fond of Chai. Really strong, almost bitter Chai. I appreciate good tea, So naturally when he asks if I would like some, I tell him I’ll take a cup. Wrong answer. It’s 1 AM going on 5 AM. I have a baby who will need a feeding soon and I have an interview, mind you, after 4 years, at 8 AM. (those who know me know that the roosters at my house crow at 10 AM).

Oops, baby’s up.  Guess this is going to be a short post.

Until next time…

please find me.

wish i wasn’t a night owl. i’ve been tossing and turning for over an hour and have no idea what consumes me. is it the hot arid darkness? the worries? the lack of worries? why can’t i put a finger on it? have to wake up in less than two hours and don’t know how i’ll do it. i need to go to sleep. sleep… i long for it so much and it only comes to me when i least want it. arghh!

insomniac was never my thing. but I do love the peace i feel at night. me, myself, and i lost in my thoughts. no one but me haala ke everyone is home. but nevertheless that unnerving, mind racking, soul searching peace.

still, i wish i wasn’t a night owl.

still can’t sleep

So much to ponder
Disarrayed thoughts and hopes
Tried best by express

Hatred and sinful
The world around us entails
What about the line!

What difficult tasks
To stay on the right path till
The wrath shall consume

Can not let the rules
Dictate my thoughts and desires
Haikus are not me

can’t sleep

if there were no tears to wipe, your eyes wouldn’t be so intoxicating,
if there was no pain to suffer, your happiness wouldn’t be so rewarding.
love Him in a way so He fulfills all your desires,
and you won’t have to worry about your prayers being necessary.

pieces of the puzzle

i married a piece. a broken piece of the puzzle which seemed whole with intricate curves and mysterious gaps. later i realized those gaps weren’t just any gaps. they belonged to someone else. someone else’s curves fit them but i just hadn’t seen the bigger picture yet. as these curves are interlocking with others, i realize how much happier he is, as am i. these parts make him whole but they’ve been broken and stranded for so long that both him and i thought he would be fine with out the other pieces.

i had a dream. started out as me skyping (or utilizing one web chat or another) with a very close friend. but she was lying in a small room with one small yet very bright window placed on the opposite side of the room. she was outstretched on a small cot webcam-ing while holding her baby (mind you she does not have a child in reality). her name was lola. but she chose to call her lala.  the most adorable baby girl i have ever seen.

as she was panning the webcam for me to see her place, my dream switches to my mother in law’s house. we’re all sitting there talking and i was tidying up the place when the last piece walks in. he looks around and says ‘wow, it’s a lot cleaner now. thanks.’ first 7 words he has spoken to us in awhile. he plops down and starts talking about his day. we ask questions and he gladly answers. ‘what’s going on?’ i wonder as i look over to everyone else in the room. no one seems to question it. whatever it is, it’s great. i was so extremely happy at that moment while engaging in a conversation with this last puzzle piece, knowing for a fact that he’ll be whole once again.

these pieces, no matter how different they are, have a protruding curve or gap that needs to be filled by him and him alone. he was the middle piece. no hard edge, just a free livin’ mysterious guy who needed to be there to put all the pieces back together. only when i woke up from my dream did i realize how badly we need this last piece.

i really hope it returns so he can be whole.

6. old towns – monrovia and alcadia

when my hubby, for training purposes, was placed in a small town called monrovia for two weeks, i was the least bit interested in visiting him. however, when i did, i was pleasantly surprised with a humble beauty which i didn’t know could exist in a city in southern california. the pastry shop on the corner of a small town theatre ‘kirkonia’ across the street from a ma and pa thrift shop. the simplicity of this town captured the essence of what main street usa used to be.

walking around what must be a maximum of 10 blocks, you have a post office, a library, cafes, book shops, a theater, pastry shops, italian gourmet, and pawn shops. the small pastry shops were my favorite! chocolated dipped macaroons to be exact.

the whole town was dressed up in these murals as to never leave a boring blank wall untouched. either you look at beautiful architecture or beautiful art. and if neither was an option, you look at beautiful nature. every where you go, the town never ceases to please you.

every friday night from 3 pm to 9 pm, the streets shut down and they have a local farmer’s market.

the only thing that shocked me was the prohibiting of one of my favorite leisure activities. i couldn’t believe it.

right next to monrovia is a town called alcadia also known as the city of peacocks!! this little town has peacocks walking about every where. can you believe that?

the biggest attraction is their arboretum. and since i’m a tree lover, how could i not go?

overall, it was a great experience and i very much appreciated the beauty around us. i would highly suggest visiting even once!

WAT: old town monrovia and alcadia

WEN: friday so you can see the local farmer market as well

WAIR: on myrtle avenue right off highway 210