it feels good to hurt

amazing family, plethora of great friends, a welcoming home, a beautiful california life, a loving husband, and a precious baby boy. my life is so perfect. except for this one thing.

when i really evaluate my life, it’s quite minute. and essentially a problem that shouldn’t matter as much as it does. but that’s the thing. it does matter to me. It matters a lot and it makes me very unhappy.

but sometimes i wonder, should it really make me this unhappy? i’ve got everything else going for me… does this one thing really need to be there to complete my happiness?

this has me thinking about humans in general. or maybe it’s just women. can women ever be content?

To be content does not necessarily imply “happiness” or “satisfaction” – it means that you are at peace with the circumstances. 

To be content, as far as I’m concerned, is to be able to be happy in the life you’re living; to have the ability to be grateful for what you have and enjoy life.

i feel us women have this innate response to a good life, we enjoy it until we get to a point of self destruction. we bring upon our own misery because we try to find a reason to cry.

which brings me to my next point. have you men ever wondered why women get so angry or sad or jealous for no goddamn reason? has it ever occurred to you that we feel those emotions because in a way it actually feels good? that’s right, you heard me. it feels good to hurt. it exhilarating to feel strongly and passionately in a negative manner (as well as positive) and it’s extremely satisfying to cry, scream, or even punch it out.

it reminds me of the idea behind the movie monsters inc. the monsters would collect energy from scare screams but realized they receive ten times more energy from making the kids laugh. interesting concept which can be implied here except the opposite way. we know happiness feels good but sometimes it feels good to just hurt.

He did it again

My husband has recently become very fond of Chai. Really strong, almost bitter Chai. I appreciate good tea, So naturally when he asks if I would like some, I tell him I’ll take a cup. Wrong answer. It’s 1 AM going on 5 AM. I have a baby who will need a feeding soon and I have an interview, mind you, after 4 years, at 8 AM. (those who know me know that the roosters at my house crow at 10 AM).

Oops, baby’s up.  Guess this is going to be a short post.

Until next time…

please find me.

wish i wasn’t a night owl. i’ve been tossing and turning for over an hour and have no idea what consumes me. is it the hot arid darkness? the worries? the lack of worries? why can’t i put a finger on it? have to wake up in less than two hours and don’t know how i’ll do it. i need to go to sleep. sleep… i long for it so much and it only comes to me when i least want it. arghh!

insomniac was never my thing. but I do love the peace i feel at night. me, myself, and i lost in my thoughts. no one but me haala ke everyone is home. but nevertheless that unnerving, mind racking, soul searching peace.

still, i wish i wasn’t a night owl.

still can’t sleep

So much to ponder
Disarrayed thoughts and hopes
Tried best by express

Hatred and sinful
The world around us entails
What about the line!

What difficult tasks
To stay on the right path till
The wrath shall consume

Can not let the rules
Dictate my thoughts and desires
Haikus are not me

can’t sleep

if there were no tears to wipe, your eyes wouldn’t be so intoxicating,
if there was no pain to suffer, your happiness wouldn’t be so rewarding.
love Him in a way so He fulfills all your desires,
and you won’t have to worry about your prayers being necessary.

pieces of the puzzle

i married a piece. a broken piece of the puzzle which seemed whole with intricate curves and mysterious gaps. later i realized those gaps weren’t just any gaps. they belonged to someone else. someone else’s curves fit them but i just hadn’t seen the bigger picture yet. as these curves are interlocking with others, i realize how much happier he is, as am i. these parts make him whole but they’ve been broken and stranded for so long that both him and i thought he would be fine with out the other pieces.

i had a dream. started out as me skyping (or utilizing one web chat or another) with a very close friend. but she was lying in a small room with one small yet very bright window placed on the opposite side of the room. she was outstretched on a small cot webcam-ing while holding her baby (mind you she does not have a child in reality). her name was lola. but she chose to call her lala.  the most adorable baby girl i have ever seen.

as she was panning the webcam for me to see her place, my dream switches to my mother in law’s house. we’re all sitting there talking and i was tidying up the place when the last piece walks in. he looks around and says ‘wow, it’s a lot cleaner now. thanks.’ first 7 words he has spoken to us in awhile. he plops down and starts talking about his day. we ask questions and he gladly answers. ‘what’s going on?’ i wonder as i look over to everyone else in the room. no one seems to question it. whatever it is, it’s great. i was so extremely happy at that moment while engaging in a conversation with this last puzzle piece, knowing for a fact that he’ll be whole once again.

these pieces, no matter how different they are, have a protruding curve or gap that needs to be filled by him and him alone. he was the middle piece. no hard edge, just a free livin’ mysterious guy who needed to be there to put all the pieces back together. only when i woke up from my dream did i realize how badly we need this last piece.

i really hope it returns so he can be whole.

6. old towns – monrovia and alcadia

when my hubby, for training purposes, was placed in a small town called monrovia for two weeks, i was the least bit interested in visiting him. however, when i did, i was pleasantly surprised with a humble beauty which i didn’t know could exist in a city in southern california. the pastry shop on the corner of a small town theatre ‘kirkonia’ across the street from a ma and pa thrift shop. the simplicity of this town captured the essence of what main street usa used to be.

walking around what must be a maximum of 10 blocks, you have a post office, a library, cafes, book shops, a theater, pastry shops, italian gourmet, and pawn shops. the small pastry shops were my favorite! chocolated dipped macaroons to be exact.

the whole town was dressed up in these murals as to never leave a boring blank wall untouched. either you look at beautiful architecture or beautiful art. and if neither was an option, you look at beautiful nature. every where you go, the town never ceases to please you.

every friday night from 3 pm to 9 pm, the streets shut down and they have a local farmer’s market.

the only thing that shocked me was the prohibiting of one of my favorite leisure activities. i couldn’t believe it.

right next to monrovia is a town called alcadia also known as the city of peacocks!! this little town has peacocks walking about every where. can you believe that?

the biggest attraction is their arboretum. and since i’m a tree lover, how could i not go?

overall, it was a great experience and i very much appreciated the beauty around us. i would highly suggest visiting even once!

WAT: old town monrovia and alcadia

WEN: friday so you can see the local farmer market as well

WAIR: on myrtle avenue right off highway 210

the day has come

the golden year starts now and as promised, here is my list compiling my best memories from the past 25 years. and i’m sure there is more.

1. Being on tv
2. Getting married
3. Riding Route 66
4. Graduating college
5. Ditching college and participating in a stampede
6. Biking through chicago
7. Backpacking through europe
8. Exploring india (north and south)
9. Seeing eastern africa
10. Camping in yosemite national park
11. Moving across the nation
12. Seeing Obama get elected at his acceptance rally
13. Surviving the worst snow storm in decades
14. Falling in love
15. Having met all my grandparents
16. Organizing a first ever fida husain family reunion
17. Qadam bosi to burhanuddin moulah
18. Learning to meditate
19. Petting a cheetah
20. Chasing a baby brown bear
21. Riding an elephant
22. Meeting salman khan
23. Finally seeing the hagia sophia
24. Praying jummah namaaz at the blue mosque
25. Starting a blog

with such an amazing life and lots to be thankful about, i have also made a list of 25 goals for my years to come because although my life feels great, the biggest room is the room for improvement.

1. Go to hajj
2. Have children
3. Buy a house
4. Paint draw sculpt
5. Invent something amazing
6. Visit the shark tank and have them invest in me
7. Start a business
8. Buy a beach house
9. Travel the world
10. Do qadam bosi of Muffadal moulah
11. Hifz the Qur’an or at least a part of it
12. Own a pet tiger
13. Start and manage a non-profit business
14. Give back
15. Learn to juggle
16. Do the splits
17. Learn haqiqat
18. Climb a mountain
19. Go to a lakers game
20. Bike california
21. Design and build a piece of furniture.
22. Design my dream home
23. Become a mentor to someone
24. Visit an ashram
25. Find God

25 years is not old ( i promise you i’ll be saying this when i’m 50 too). i look young, i feel young, hence i am young. and that is how i’ll always be.

the golden year

ok this was supposed to be sent on the first of april but it’s been a crazy week. good news! i got a job. hence the busy-ness.

so it’s here. my golden birthday. 25 days till i turn 25 on april 25th. time to take a second and commemorate this day by listing 25 of my most amazing memories from the 25 years of life i’ve had. but also look into the future to the 25 things i have left to do.

in my next post, i’ll be slowly compiling my sacred golden list of memories and dreams.

a quarter of a century… phew!

tra la la, la la

have you ever tried explaining the most intense crazy mind boggling, life changing dream to someone? highly impossible, right?

for example. i woke up this morning at 6:00 am, ate breakfast, tried reading and fell asleep only to wake up around 10:30 am with crazy blurred images and remnants of memories left trickling in my head. what happened from 8:00 am to 10:30 am, only me and God will know. but i can try explaining and it basically goes like this:

i was in the driveway of a subdivision in a convertible with snoop dog, my ex-coworker, and an ex-roommate (rachelle) listening to some music that i thought an old college friend (ruth) would like. then all of a sudden im on a wooden pier with people including the president of north korea watching me from the bleachers as i jump into the warm waters of indonesian bays ( i don’t even know if indonesia has bays). there are a few indonesians jumping in with knitted bathing suits that look more like dresses. they look at me and call me a silly whore (puzzled, i look down and i’m wearing a one piece bathing suit with a huge fur coat/cardigan covering me). i run back down the pier and sit 3 seats away from the president to watch the rest of the show.

then all of a sudden im on a train and all the girls are figuring out which meal they will make for everyone since we’ll be on this train for awhile. i call breakfast then decide to give my leftover chicken teriyaki to my old college friend (ruth) who’s sitting next to me and i’ll eat the burgers. i look outside the train and i see the old roommate (rachelle) running and dancing? to catch the train and i yell out to her ‘SNOOP DAWWWG!’

now mind you, i wasn’t reading any crazy book before falling asleep. it was a book on real estate investment. so how did i come up with this crazy doggone story? now that it’s all written. i could actually dissect each part and tell you where it possibly could have come from. but north korea and snoop dog? how the hell did they come into the picture?

dreams… will never cease to make me wonder.